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May 25th, 2006

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04:47 am - ...
So, its almost 5am and I cant sleep, again. So I figured this time I would write something in here...

First off, I am kind of fucked. You see, "Betsy" the Blazer, well, she aint doin so hot right now. The alternator crapped out so when I was replacing it, I went to go hook everything back up and was re-connecting the negative terminal to the battery, when I noticed the hood light wasnt on. That ment...uh oh. And it was. Turns out the WHOLE car is electrically dead. Well, not the whole car, just the stuff that fucks me if it is, and the bad part is, I cant really figure out what part is fucking everything up. You see, the battery works, and everything else works, but somewhere between point a and point b, the car doesnt actually work. Soo, I get to spend tommorow tryin to figure this one out. Yeah, it sucks, AND to top it off, I have to work tommorow evening and well, dont have time off to fix it until...wednesday...dun dun dun! Im fucked

Secondly, I am missing someone like crazy. And I dont even know why! Its fucked up inside me, but I am. I lay awake at night and just think of her. Think of her smile, her stupid jokes, her stupidity, and well, basically...her. I cant get her out of my mind and every single thing I try to do doesnt help. I take my paintball gun out and I think of that one time she broke into my car and stole my paintballs. I hear a song on the radio and laugh cause it makes me think of her. I stare into the darkness and I wonder what she is doing. Is she staring into the darkness too, or is she with someone who she cares the world for? Like, I cant even find a way to forget her. I was with Kara until like 4am the other night and all I could do was think about and talk about her. Like the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or what ever, the one where they erase everything out of the persons mind so that they can live happily, and never remember. Like I think about how cool it would be to have that done, but then I think about how much it would suck. It would suck so much because then I would forget all the fun we had, all the good times. But it would be nice cause then I could forget everything. The bad, the hurting, and basically everything inbetween there. I know, I dont even know why I am wasting my time thinking about her like this and I dont even know why I am. It seriouslly came out of no where all this thinking of her. Actually, I know exactly what made me think of her. The other night at the Algonquin Party, Party69, the song Cotten Eye Joe started playing. And for some fucked up reason, she came into my mind. Worse of all, she wouldnt leave! I stopped thinking all together and she was still there. And then when I left, my MP3 player was dead so I had to listen to the radio, and I swear to god every single song on the radio made me think of her even more. I dont even know what to do, cause I dont even know what to say. Like if I were to sit down and talk with a shrink about this, I wouldnt know what to say cause, I dont have the words. They are all just thoughts. And those thoughts, make me miss her like crazy. And the worst part of the whole damn thing is, she probably never thinks about me, at all. Like, me, I see a little car like hers, and I just glance at it, hoping maybe its you, maybe youll be glancing too and for a split second, youll think of me. But I had nothing to offer you, and have nothing now. I wish I could just erase you, but I dont want to. I wish I could just forget you, but I dont know how to, but I dont know what to do. Cause I miss you.

its now 5:03am...and Im still not tired...

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